I just don’t get it.
I don’t understand how in the world I even got to this point. Even as I’m sitting here writing this, I’m having a hard time formulating what exactly it is I’m trying to say so bear with me as I wing it.
Today I decided to log back on and read through my last few blog post written a little over three months ago and even through some old journals I came across that I wrote in YEARS ago. As I read through each one of them, I couldn’t help but smile. They aren’t funny posts at all or journal entries– quite the opposite actually. They were posts written from such a raw and real sense of desperation and pain. Journal entries of the struggle with addictions and with depression, and anger that consumed me. They were posts that expressed sorrow, confusion, but they were also posts and entries that worked as checkpoints.
My thought as I wrote each one was that hopefully one day, I would look back and say,
“It all makes sense.”
Now, months later, and even years later, I can’t help but smile. And I smile because it doesn’t make a single bit of sense.
My journey has been quite interesting. Not just these last few months, but ever since I made the decision recommit my life to Christ at the end of my senior year of high school. Only few know the dirty details of all that occurred, but lets just say, I am in awe of how all of my mistakes, and my tears, and my heartache have all played out. I never expected to have a fraction of opportunities and blessings that the Lord has crafted before me.
My life has taken an 180-degree turn. Actually, it more like a constant molding– like clay in the hands of a potter– constantly being shaped into any shape He wishes. It’s obviously not of my own doing because shoot, I can barely even make sense out of it all. If I try to make sense of it, I end up even more confused than I was to begin with.
That’s how God works. He makes beautiful things out of dust, which seems a bit silly but hey, it’s just how he do (lol).
The one thing I did do is possibly the simplest yet most difficult thing I ever chose to do. I chose to FEARLESSLY surrender. Not just surrender what was easy but to surrender all of it. My dreams, my passions, my hope, my life, my everything.
And through this process, I’ve learned that surrendering is not a “one and done” kinda thing. Its a daily, conscious, decision to let go of my tight, stubborn grip and let Jesus do his thing.
There so much more I could say, but for now I think I will leave it at that. Someday I will share and further details what exactly the Lord has done in my life through his grace and transformative love.
There are also some extremely cool adventures I will be embarking on in the next few months that I will be sharing with all of you soon.
Thank you all who have kept me in your prayers throughout this last season and thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it brought even the slightest bit of encouragement to you.
Remember that even in the darkest seasons that seem impossible and irredeemable, God’s grace and redemption can reach any depth of pain and brokenness.
And please know, whoever you are, if you ever need any thing by anyone to talk to, I am always willing to take time to sit and listen. I mean this with 100% complete sincerity.