Mile Marker One

I feel like I’m drowning under the weight of this pain that seems greater than anything else at the moment. I fought, I endured, I pushed through, I loved with all of my being and yet all my efforts were not good enough. Now I realize that the fight was never mine to begin with. No matter how much I desired for victory, it wasn’t my victory. If I love this much, and hurt this much, and my love comes nowhere near the fathers love for us, I cannot imagine how much he loves me and ever single one of us. The father’s love has never been more present in my life. If it was not for his incredible grace, I may have given up, sat down, and stayed and dwelled in the defeat I feel, but the enemy has not won. This in itself is victory, this mess in itself is healing, it’s redemption. My perspective is so limited, I am blinded by my circumstances, my human flesh can only comprehend so much-almost nothing at all. Faith is believing in what we cannot see, and right now I cannot see a thing. Trust, hope, and faith are what I choose to cling to even while I walk and stumble in the dark, I know He is guiding my every step. No one ever expects painful situations to occur. They seem to come in the least expected moments. But nothing surprises God. This was not foreign to him. His perspective is infinite, greater yet than what expect, and still my mind attempts to put a lid on His plan. He knows me, he knows us. He sees us. He holds us. Oh great is our God! He is so worthy of praise! He takes my pain, brokenness, and disaster and makes the beauty beyond our limited sight.

Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is much more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. Then you will receive praise and glory and honor on the Day when Jesus Christ is revealed.


Breaking Point

Recently, I’d been reading through the book of Job and came across a something Job said that hit home.
“We take the good things from God, why not the difficult?”
Up to this point, I felt that for the most part, I was exactly where God wanted me. I could easily say “God is good” and my “proof” for His goodness was that my plans were kinda going the right direction and I had all I possibly wanted. I had no reason to really trust God because my path seemed relatively clear. But I failed to how dangerous that was. I was living according to my wants instead of what God willed and desired. Because of this, my life took a complete turn and things changed and I am walking through a season in which I am fully having to choose to rely on the Lord for my comfort and strength.
I could choose to let changes destroy me, leave me crippled. I know there will be days that will be much harder than others, but I am moving forward. I choose to rejoice in the fact that the Lord is working for the better part of an incredible miracle that I fully trust will come to be.
Not when I want the miracle, but when God wants.
Not when it seems to benefit me, but when it pleases the Lord.
This is no longer about me as much as want it to be.
I woke up this morning completely terrified at the thought of having to walk through this season. The enemy has a way of making us feel like we are walking alone in the midst of our darkest hour, but that is such a lie. He has placed people in our lives to push us, help us grow, encourage us, when we need it most. It takes effort on our part, though. It’s up to me to choose to rejoice when we feel like I can’t, it’s up to us to praise Him when we feel like we can’t. And the reality is, we can’t do this on my own. It will take supernatural strength provided by our heavenly Father.
Even as I write this, I’m having to convince myself that this is the truth. I guess you could say that this is a declaration that I am choosing to proclaim over my life even I don’t want to. Choosing in joy in pain is extremely uncomfortable. And I know I am not the only one going through painful situations. If you are going through a season of difficulty, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, reach out to others for help, but most importantly, seek God for comfort and strength.
It took a breaking point to realize how much work the Lord still needs to do in me. I am selfish, impatient, easily angered, and so many other things (excuse me as I air out my dirty laundry) and all of these things not only harm me, but they’re characteristics that do not go in accordance with who God has called me to be. I have been called to serve, to love and place others before me: anger has no room, impatience has no say, and selfishness cannot and will not prevail.
I have hope, and healing will come with time and with prayer. God is good. I have chosen to take the good and I am choosing to take the difficult from the Lord. God will have victory and through Him I am victorious.
Today my prayer is out of Psalm 28. I won’t post the whole chapter, but this verse is the one that stuck to me:
The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.